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Thursday, December 30, 2004


Sally Forth!

I am in a bit of writers' block as to what to say here. I really have no topic to write about, and everyone knows that when you force yourself to write all you come up with is crapppp. So please help me out. Click on that email button to suggest to me a topic I should make fun of--- er, uh, talk about and discuss. Yes. Please do this guy a favor. Even if it's just a piece of hate mail, send it over anyways. I'll be able to post it and make fun of it. Or better yet, take a great magic product, rip it off, advertise it on the Magic Cafe and get yourself banned, so that afterward I can make fun of you. Thank you.

Happy New Years!

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


Sorry y'all

I know I haven't posted in two days, and if it's anything to anyone, sorry for the wait, but I'm baaaaack!

Okay, that wasn't much of an apology. So here's my excuse. For the past two days, directly after Christmas, I spent much of the time recovering after vomiting uncontrollably after I learned the horrible truth about the man that runs ellusionist.

Disclaimer: By clicking on the link above, or any of the links below, whether having being written or not written but are planning to be written, you agree not to be a butthole and email me shit telling me the article above is fake because it is, genius. Furthermore, by read this disclaimer and then emailing me shit anyways gives you, the reader, license to shove your head into your butthole and run around screaming like a mongoose, then roll around in a bucket of hot oil before tar and feathering yourself. Such actions are guaranteed to show bystanders the true idiot in you for taking any of this shit seriously and even being in magic in the first place. Please leave us alone now. Please. And have a nice day. You fucking idiot.

Saturday, December 25, 2004


Merry Christmas to All!

Hi all! Today I'm in a good mood today. Birds are singing, heater's working, and my fanning powder is actually starting to work. Ah yes, it's a good life alright.

Friday, December 24, 2004


"When your cards are this heavy, you need to work out."

Check out the new Moby Deck from ellusionist from Chazpro.

I thought this was pretty funny. I spent a few minutes chuckling to myself thinking about what would happen to someone who accidentally typed in Moby Dick at the Magic Cafe. They'd probably get banned for life for typing such a bad bad word. Heh, out of all the things Steve Brooks devours, I'll bet even he can't devour that book! But enough with the bad jokes.

Essentially what I think the Moby Deck is, from what I can understand, is a block of brass with cards taped to the top and bottom to make it look like a deck. You're supposed to do a switch with a real deck and let the spectators pick it up to feel how heavy it is, and that's supposed to make them tremble with fear at your almighty powers. What I think would really happen is this: they'd pick up the deck, look it over and look at you and say "Magicians and their stupid trick decks. Hey Martha honey, c'mere, look at this heavy trick deck this guy just gave me." And that would be the end of it.

Several things surprised me while browsing this page.
First, Look at the top picture:
It's a picture of a killer whale next to the words: "It ain't easy performing with a 2 pound deck of cards." First off, I'm no literary expert, but I don't think the whale in Moby Dick (heh heh) was a killer whale. So now we know that the deck is 2 pounds.

Second, Scroll down a bit to the summary, or the 3rd line of text. It reads: "A 1.5 pound deck that you can use whenever you perform." Oh okay, so now it's a 1.5 pound deck, not a 2 pound deck as described above. Wow, was that magical or what?

Third, scroll down 'till you come to a line of bright red text. It says: "The Moby Deck weighs nearly 1.5 pounds! 23 ounces to be exact!" Which is it dickface? Is it 2 pounds, 1.5 pounds, or NEARLY 1.5 pounds, or just 23 ounces?!

Also, a little under the red line of text, it reads: "Be aware a spectator might drop the deck when they attempt to lift, so don't perform over glass tables." And how can a spectator drop something while attempting to lift it? Is this some type of devil magic? Burn him, he's a witch, dammit!!

All these things have me confused. Brad Christian, if you're reading this, next time before you add another sensational block of metal to your "arsenal" of magic, learn how to proof-read your shit before posting it up.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2004



Two more days till Christmas, two more days till Christmas!!!!! Yayyyy!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004



This is an update to the post below:
Penguin's back ONLINE!

Enough updates, check out this new trick.
It's not really even a trick, if you give me a chance to explain. I am sooo mad at this. I can imagine all the asianic-origined magicians laughing at this effect, because it is just an old Chinese rope STUNT slapped with a new name, and stuck up for sale.
Note that I say STUNT and not trick. It's a stunt. Don't even bother showing this trick to anybody Chinese. Just don't. You will get laughed at, and possibly have your rope snatched away, and be forced to watch your own effect being duplicated again and again for you by your former spectators.
If you ask any respectable Chinese person about this trick, or should I say stunt, they will tell you it's just a stunt. There's nothing magical about it. Really. When people in China show this to each other, they do it to get laughs, not BJ's or looks of amazement.
And to all you shit-heads 12 year old Chinese magicians, before you click the "Email me" button to say that YOU didn't know about the trick until now, first ask your parents about it, show them this, and if THEY didn't know about it either, maybe you guys ought to learn a bit more about your roots and heritage.

Also, if you guys have a bit of time to kill, check out the demo they have of the trick. Note that at one point, the demo guy shows this to a few Chinese people. Note that they are not impressed. At all. Some actually go "ahhhh" but that's probably because they just saw someone non-asian doing an asian trick. I say that because I showed the vid to someone Chinese, and he responded with "ahhh" as well.

Also notice that the only people that are amazed are mostly white. Really. There's nothing more obvious, except for a giraffe tap-dancing in front of you.

Eye of the Tiger. Yeah right.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004



This is an update to my last post. Check the one below before you read this.

Yeah right.
So I just found out this morning from Steve's site that there's been a bit of an error at Penguin magic. It appears that there is an error going around. And while Steve's firewall laden computer has not been affected by the error, mine has. I can't seem to get to the Penguin site to look for junk to make fun of. Anyone else having trouble? Drop me a line, love to hear 'bout it.

Or maybe the folks at Penguin just don't like me very much.

Monday, December 20, 2004


How to Become Sexy in Just a Few Days!

Check this shit out.
I think this is amazing!! Jay Sankey is funny, smart, AND sexy! Magic IS sexy!
Yeah right.
I read over the article, watched the video and realized this: Jay Sankey is extremely smart. Not only is he putting out a good video, fulla tricks, he's also appealing to the 12 year olds sitting at home, with pimples on their faces, braces in their faces, their mom's in their faces, with basically no life, and suffering from vitamin D deficiency.
What I essentially mean is that, I KNOW for a fact that there are losers out there (hey who knows, I might be one of them) that spend all day thinking they are oh-so-cool because they know how to magically ruin quarters. They're not.
Check out the MCJ and look through the archives. You'll quickly see that the other Andy there feels quite strongly against using magic as a replacement for a personality. "So what if I can't make normal conversation with a woman, I'll just stroll up to her and do this!"
"That'll get her kissing all over the hair on my chest in NO TIME!"
I would like to point out one particular idiot that I noticed whilst browsing all the customer reviews on this particular video. Seems that "The Artisan" is way ahead of us in the game. Check out his review:
Well, I probably won't need this DVD because I'm already pretty slick with my magic and my girls. The effects sound like they might be nice, but I probably could never do them because the women are already too busy staring into my eyes to look for the magic. Why am I so cursed with charm. Yours truly... The Artisan__JKH
Gee, whatta faggot.
I can imagine it now...

TA(The Artisan): Hey baby, can I show you a card trick? Please?
G(Girl): Oh, man, not again. *Sigh* Go ahead.
TA: So uh, we take the cards like this, and we um, do that and we uh--
G: Why are you talking like that?
TA: Um, because it's, uh, like, part of the trick, something... So we take the cards and um... hahah.
G: No, seriously honey, why are you talking like that?
TA: Why are you staring into my EYES like that?
G: Forget your stupid trick. Let me look DEEP into those eyes.
TA: Oooh, yeah baby.
G: WHAT?! Don't talk to me like that!! Your eyes are really RED!! You've been smoking weed, haven't you?
TA: Mommmmm! I haven't, I swear!
G: That's it, young man, off to the clinic with you!!
Boy, is he a ladies man.
Look at what Doodie (slang for a turd, if you didn't know) had to say:
I'm such a lover.... I think I will love this DVD... but I'm not gonna use it since I already have a girl friend... but still I got mine using an appearing rose so to all of you guys... take that as an advice.
So all of a sudden, this turd is giving advice to guys! Wowie, another talking turd! Watch out Mr. Hankey! You're about to be taken over by a PIMPIN' talkin' turd!
Enuff ranting. I'm off to smoke a joint.
Mommmmmm!! I don't smoke!!
Off to the clinic with you, young man!!

Sunday, December 19, 2004



Yikes. It's been what, like two months since my last post. I've been so damn busy I don't have any fucking time left to do any of this. Which explains why I'm the world's greatest procrastinator.
A few updates since some of the old posts below are now no longer accurate.

The David Blaine Magic Man group is still at it, fooling unsuspecting kids and tourists into thinking David Blaine's a god, he's on the site, yadda yadda. Check that shits out yo.

Steve Brooks probably still eats pubes for breakfast.

The idiots at Penguin Magic still think they're smart.

And the SleightGeek page is BACK IN ACTION!!! WOOHOO!!

And I still need a dove pan.

More updating to come in the future. Stick around beautifuls.

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